A good cry.

Never underestimate the power of a good cry. I don’t know about you, but if I’m having a bad day or a bad week I can sense an emotional breakdown rearing it’s ugly head. Don’t get me wrong… I think they have a beautiful ending of relief, it’s just intense. Sometimes things have to get worse before they get better. With sore eyes and a stuffy nose, I write this at 1 in the morning and just having had poured my heart out to God.

I don’t know where I would be without my faith in Jesus Christ. He is my rock and my shelter that I take refuge in. I get so upset about the things going on in my life (health wise) but I know deep down it’s all a part of His plan. A plan I have very little hope in seeing sometimes. His ways are not our ways. I don’t want to be so hung up on earthly things that I neglect the eternal and my mission while I’m here on this earth.

God knows the frailty of our human bodies and spirits, He gets it. He doesn’t want us to suck it up and suppress our feelings. “Oh I have Jesus so I should be happy no matter what!” I don’t think so. God is glorified when we give up our control, when we let our face get red and ugly from sobbing so many tears. I see opportunity in being broken, I see how God is using his chisel to chip back the pieces of myself that cling to things other than Him for comfort or for happiness.

MRI results

Stress can be ugly, real ugly. When you’re constantly going through one thing after another… you feel like you just can’t hold on anymore. You can be strong some days and other days you feel like you’ve completely lost it. It’s just amazing how our emotions go from one extreme to another.

Does God answer prayers? Yeah, He does. They’re never unanswered. The answer is either: yes, no, maybe, or not now. After hearing “no” or “not now” for some time I finally have relief! God I praise you father for keeping me in your care this entire time, I know it’s so easy to praise You when things are good… but I’ve learnt to praise You in the bad… and praising You will never stop!

My test results from the MRI came back good, I do have small pimple sized cysts, but they’re not cancerous and I do not need surgery. My doctor thinks the cysts are there because I haven’t had a normal menstrual cycle and that’s because of my thyroids being out of whack. Ever since I’ve been on my thyroid medicine I’ve been having cramps, so I hope that’s a good sign!!!

I feel SO much relief, but I know it’s not entirely over yet because she wants me to see a gyno soon and get a second opinion from her. Since I’m only 22 and she wants me to be healthy to have a baby one day, she’s getting me thoroughly tested to see if there’s any medicine that can make these little annoying suckers go away.

I’ve wanted to cry ever since hearing this news, tears do fill my eyes… but not enough to weep. I think I’m just drained. I think I’m learning to not be lead so much by my emotions or what I’m told. I cannot find complete rest ANYMORE in what people or tests tell me. I can only find that in my Lord and Savior Jesus Christ. He has been my sanity from the start of all of this and He will be to the end. I can’t thank Him enough for having His precious hands over me. Oh how I LOVE you God!!! Okay… now the water works are starting :)! But they’re good! God is the only one who can break my heart in a good way.

I appreciate any prayers that were said for me, I know they were heard. I’m praying for anyone, any precious girl out there who is dealing with the same thing but had bad results… my heart just goes out to you more than you know. There may not be any rest  in what the doctors tell you, but oh man… can God rock your heart!!! ❤

God bless you my lovelies!

– Ashley 🙂

PS: Relief can be beautiful, real beautiful.