A good cry.

Never underestimate the power of a good cry. I don’t know about you, but if I’m having a bad day or a bad week I can sense an emotional breakdown rearing it’s ugly head. Don’t get me wrong… I think they have a beautiful ending of relief, it’s just intense. Sometimes things have to get worse before they get better. With sore eyes and a stuffy nose, I write this at 1 in the morning and just having had poured my heart out to God.

I don’t know where I would be without my faith in Jesus Christ. He is my rock and my shelter that I take refuge in. I get so upset about the things going on in my life (health wise) but I know deep down it’s all a part of His plan. A plan I have very little hope in seeing sometimes. His ways are not our ways. I don’t want to be so hung up on earthly things that I neglect the eternal and my mission while I’m here on this earth.

God knows the frailty of our human bodies and spirits, He gets it. He doesn’t want us to suck it up and suppress our feelings. “Oh I have Jesus so I should be happy no matter what!” I don’t think so. God is glorified when we give up our control, when we let our face get red and ugly from sobbing so many tears. I see opportunity in being broken, I see how God is using his chisel to chip back the pieces of myself that cling to things other than Him for comfort or for happiness.

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Stress and trusting in God.

Pray More

I talked to my sister not long ago about this and how we say we have faith, but our attitudes express otherwise. You can pray every day, read your Bible, and say “Yes Jesus, I trust Your will for my life!” but then when you come back to reality you start snapping at people. Whenever I start being mean and having an ‘attitude’ it’s because I’m stressed out and worried about a million things. It’s like being in a constant state of being ‘unnerved’. At this point of my mindset, my faith is circumstantial because if something rubs me the wrong way I’m going to fly off my wagon (whatever that means LOL! – I was born in a country household).

I will admit I can be a bit OCD about things, if even one or two things are out-of-place in the house, I need to clean them, right then, right now. The same thing applies when I have a to-do list. In the next few weeks I have so much stuff going on and all I can think of “Is everything going to be okay?” I get anxious about it. I think where I’m trying to get healthy, now adding a bunch of dental work on top of that, and now doing a million things at my church, I feel overwhelmed. If I’m being honest, my stress, although it’s a sin in and of itself, turns into an even bigger sin. I start nitpicking at things and I’m not content. I have to constantly apologize for things, just ask my husband and he will tell you. I don’t like being like that and I don’t know about you, but I feel alone when things start piling up. That I need to ‘carry this burden’. I can’t expect anyone else to help. I’m so quick to do my freak out dance that I forget I have God who helps me carry those burdens. I’m not meant to do it on my own. I also need to realize that I need to go to my husband more often because when I told him the things laying on my heart yesterday I just wept on his shoulder. He reassured me everything was going to be okay and I believed him. God’s Word reassures us that everything is going to be okay too and we need to believe that as well. We need to take God’s Word for face value.

No wonder some of us have anxiety, we try handling things that are out of our control. I caught myself yesterday just needing to take a break and breathe. I could feel my chest getting tightened up it was that bad. I wonder how many times I’m going to have to learn this lesson from God. Trust me girlfriend or you guys out there, when you think you’ve got your walk with God under control and you have it down to a T, you don’t. Our faith can be shaken, but let’s not be moved. At the end of the day, all we have is the Savior. When everything falls apart, when everyone fails you, God will still be on His throne in His perfect righteousness. We have to stop looking down and at our situations and look up – our hope should be in heaven. If you feel like you’re playing ‘catch up’ in life, you’re not the only one. I’m there too and I feel like I’m always behind in this world that is always moving forward.

It just dawned on me now that when I had told my sister I had been stressing, she reminded me my worth was in Christ. I thought to myself at the time… “Okay, well what does that have to do with stress?” It has everything to do with it, because the things we stress out about is the things we usually find our worth or value in. We find success in these things going well, whether it’s a relationship or job, we worry about the status – where is it going? We go back to being circumstantial. If you lose your job, if they cut your hours back, if your relationship is failing, if you have no friends, if you don’t know what you want to do with your life, it’s okay. You know why? Because our worth isn’t in those things. Those things change. I’m preaching to myself here and I’m crying as I type this because I always need to be reminded of these truths.

If you need prayer for anything, please comment below. I will leave this blog with a prayer that whoever reads this will find hope again if that’s what you needed today. May God bless you for His glory and remember to trust in Him.

No greater love!

You know how when you have something new, you start noticing  it every where?! It’s amazing how little we pay attention to things unless they’re new to our lives. The same thing happened to me when I accepted Christ as my Savior 6 years ago. I thought to myself, “Why did I never think about God before?” It’s amazing how we never ponder on those thoughts and it might be for a reason… God Himself pressing on our hearts at his choosing (after all the Bible talks about election). Those who are saved are the elect of God, even though when we can easily look around at one another and think… “He chose us?! God probably could have done better!” But you know what, He has his reasons. We’re a fallen people and God in His grace chooses to love us any way. How amazing is God’s love?! Forreal.

It’s unlike any other. Imagine yourself treating someone like complete crap, barely talking to this person and when you do it’s only because you want something or you just need to complain. And let’s not forget to add that you’re never appreciative for anything good they’ve done for you. Yet… get this ladies and gentlemen… they still love you!!! They extend grace and forgiveness to you. God is our father, our parent, and like any good parent He’s going to discipline His children and STILL love them when they screw up. Why? Because He knows what we’re capable of. He knew all of the crap we would do in the future YET still He asks us into a relationship with Him. A love like that can only come from God. If you need to be renewed on this fact as a Christian… well there you have it. You can’t add to God’s love and you can’t take away from it either.

It is SO easy to get legalistic in our walks with Jesus and try to make up for our sin by our guilt or by spending an extra 10 minutes in our Bibles. Ephesians 2:8 says, ” For by grace you have been saved through faith. And this is not your own doing; it is the gift of God” (ESV). When you have Christ in your heart you have been SAVED. Meaning… it’s a done deal! Meaning, you can’t add to that. If you’re already saved how much more can you add to that? Nothing. You can’t. When you try to… it’s like saying God didn’t do enough when Jesus died on the cross. It’s been taken care of. I seriously can’t get this Bible verse out of my head (Eph. 2:8). Read that over and over! John Piper says, “God is most glorified when we are most satisfied in Him.” When we live for God because we love Him… our attitudes about reading our Bibles change. Our hearts will want to do good. It opens the door for the Holy Spirit to consume you completely – thoughts, actions, spoken words.

His love alone is all you need. It’s compelling. It’s life changing. It’s soul saving. It’s a relationship. It’s a peace you won’t get from anywhere else. It’s a purpose far beyond yourself.

Indifferent, is that the word?

Have you ever reached the end of a day and just wondered, “Where did it go?!”. I can’t tell if I’m okay or in a bad mood haha. I dread the nights here lately because that’s when my sickness, or whatever it is, kicks in. I feel that after a night’s so-called ‘sleep’ I haven’t even went to bed. I can open my eyes easily, it’s like they don’t even get tired anymore (not in a good way). I’m trying to develop a better sleep pattern and not stay up so late, maybe I’ve created insomnia for myself?! Who knows. For the past few months I’ve been trying to diagnose myself because I haven’t got any answers from anyone. The doctors tell me one thing and yet I’m not getting any better. When your health is down the drain, so is your happiness. How can you enjoy anything when you’re feeling bad?!

I’ve become anxious about every pain in my body and for awhile I would literally think every other second about dieing. It’s ridiculous. Boy does Satan make it tempting to put our situations in our own hands instead of Gods’. I’m trying to figure all of this out… going frantic I might add… and I’m not resting in His love. Stupid. Stupid. Stupid. We can have joy my friends, we just choose not to. We can have PEACE, we just again… choose not to.

The medicine they have me on to cure the dizziness drugs me out, so even though it helps, it also hurts. I can’t tell if the benefits of the pill outweigh the causes. I don’t see how anyone can abuse substances and like the feeling of being ‘out of this world’. I HATE it. I just got my blood work done last week along with another test, so I guess we’ll see the results sometime next week. I’m praying everything comes back good, but it’s all in God’s will. If they do find something, well… I just hope it’s something that can be taken care of. Either way, I win with God. <— That’s what keeps me going.

Not to self and everyone else: Let’s stop getting so caught up in our flesh and our fleshy way of thinking and instead put Romans 12:2 into practice… “Do not conform any longer to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what God’s will is–his good, pleasing and perfect will”.