It’s been awhile.

It’s been awhile since I’ve written anything, I feel bad for it… but I’ve just had a lot going on in my life, other worries that I need to tend to. Although I enjoy my blog, there’s been no inspiration for anything since my health is bothering me again. I recently went to the chiropractor and I’ve been sore and full of anxiety these past few weeks. I honestly don’t want to go back, I am starting to feel a little better from where he crushed my bones (haha) but I don’t know… I still feel off. Ever since last November where I’ve run into this ‘vertigo’ or whatever you’d like to call it, life hasn’t been the same. It doesn’t feel normal. I’m trying to figure out what that feels like again, sometimes I think it won’t happen until I’m completely healed. I’m still trying to enjoy my life though, even though getting sick is always in the back of my mind. I constantly think about “what if I feel lightheaded and pass out and no one is around” or “what if I die…” it’s a REALLY crappy way of thinking, but it’s what goes through my mind. I honestly don’t want to discuss any diagnoses with anyone. I’ve written on my past illnesses, so if you have any questions then look there. Ultimately I know I’m in God’s care, He sees this and I know I’m not alone. I had to cry out in worship music the other night to feel His presence and peace. Songs are so awesome in how they can express the sorrows of your heart.  (Christy Nockels – “You Revive Me”.)

Any way, I just want to let you guys know I will try to be more intentional about writing and hopefully put up a new makeup blog post soon. If you have any questions or suggestions about things you’d like to see or know about… just comment below. God bless all of your hearts and I hope you have an awesome night <3.

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My ultrasound results…

I’m not going to get too graphic and personal here, but I had a pelvic ultrasound not long ago because my periods haven’t been regular like they should. Needless to say… they found a cyst and some others things (which I can’t remember). The doctor said it didn’t show up with anything I needed to be worried about, but they’re going to make me get an MRI tomorrow to see what type of ‘cyst’ this is.

Apparently most cysts aren’t cancerous, so that’s what I’m praying for. When I went in this morning I had a bad feeling about my results, it’s almost as if God had foretold me about it or prepared me for it. I’m always thankful for prayers, ultimately though this is in God’s hands. I put off going to the doctor for this, so from my experience… I just want to raise awareness about going to a gyno after you’re the age of 20. I don’t care if you’re having sex or not, it doesn’t matter. You need to be checked to see if you’re healthy.

Like I had wrote on my Facebook status… I have never been SO scared… but yet still have peace. That is ALL God ladies and gentlemen. Even when I have tears fall down my cheek, I’m still praising God because He is still good.

Indifferent, is that the word?

Have you ever reached the end of a day and just wondered, “Where did it go?!”. I can’t tell if I’m okay or in a bad mood haha. I dread the nights here lately because that’s when my sickness, or whatever it is, kicks in. I feel that after a night’s so-called ‘sleep’ I haven’t even went to bed. I can open my eyes easily, it’s like they don’t even get tired anymore (not in a good way). I’m trying to develop a better sleep pattern and not stay up so late, maybe I’ve created insomnia for myself?! Who knows. For the past few months I’ve been trying to diagnose myself because I haven’t got any answers from anyone. The doctors tell me one thing and yet I’m not getting any better. When your health is down the drain, so is your happiness. How can you enjoy anything when you’re feeling bad?!

I’ve become anxious about every pain in my body and for awhile I would literally think every other second about dieing. It’s ridiculous. Boy does Satan make it tempting to put our situations in our own hands instead of Gods’. I’m trying to figure all of this out… going frantic I might add… and I’m not resting in His love. Stupid. Stupid. Stupid. We can have joy my friends, we just choose not to. We can have PEACE, we just again… choose not to.

The medicine they have me on to cure the dizziness drugs me out, so even though it helps, it also hurts. I can’t tell if the benefits of the pill outweigh the causes. I don’t see how anyone can abuse substances and like the feeling of being ‘out of this world’. I HATE it. I just got my blood work done last week along with another test, so I guess we’ll see the results sometime next week. I’m praying everything comes back good, but it’s all in God’s will. If they do find something, well… I just hope it’s something that can be taken care of. Either way, I win with God. <— That’s what keeps me going.

Not to self and everyone else: Let’s stop getting so caught up in our flesh and our fleshy way of thinking and instead put Romans 12:2 into practice… “Do not conform any longer to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what God’s will is–his good, pleasing and perfect will”.