Indifferent, is that the word?

Have you ever reached the end of a day and just wondered, “Where did it go?!”. I can’t tell if I’m okay or in a bad mood haha. I dread the nights here lately because that’s when my sickness, or whatever it is, kicks in. I feel that after a night’s so-called ‘sleep’ I haven’t even went to bed. I can open my eyes easily, it’s like they don’t even get tired anymore (not in a good way). I’m trying to develop a better sleep pattern and not stay up so late, maybe I’ve created insomnia for myself?! Who knows. For the past few months I’ve been trying to diagnose myself because I haven’t got any answers from anyone. The doctors tell me one thing and yet I’m not getting any better. When your health is down the drain, so is your happiness. How can you enjoy anything when you’re feeling bad?!

I’ve become anxious about every pain in my body and for awhile I would literally think every other second about dieing. It’s ridiculous. Boy does Satan make it tempting to put our situations in our own hands instead of Gods’. I’m trying to figure all of this out… going frantic I might add… and I’m not resting in His love. Stupid. Stupid. Stupid. We can have joy my friends, we just choose not to. We can have PEACE, we just again… choose not to.

The medicine they have me on to cure the dizziness drugs me out, so even though it helps, it also hurts. I can’t tell if the benefits of the pill outweigh the causes. I don’t see how anyone can abuse substances and like the feeling of being ‘out of this world’. I HATE it. I just got my blood work done last week along with another test, so I guess we’ll see the results sometime next week. I’m praying everything comes back good, but it’s all in God’s will. If they do find something, well… I just hope it’s something that can be taken care of. Either way, I win with God. <— That’s what keeps me going.

Not to self and everyone else: Let’s stop getting so caught up in our flesh and our fleshy way of thinking and instead put Romans 12:2 into practice… “Do not conform any longer to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what God’s will is–his good, pleasing and perfect will”.

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One thought on “Indifferent, is that the word?

  1. hmstrait says:

    Gosh I have felt the same way for so long… the pains, the thoughts of death… everything. Ill keep you in my prayers I know how draining it is to feel that way.

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